Zombie Strippers (2008) Jenna Jameson, Robert England Directed by Jay Lee
I will never get these precious minutes of my life back will I? Are there boobs and strippers?...Yes there are. Are there Zombies and blood?...um yeah. Are there people who know nothing about the military acting as an elite military secret team of fighters?...F yeah. With all those things you would clearly ask for in a movie called Zombie strippers, why does it come up short? Well it's hard to say...wait I got it, no Mother-F-ing Sam Jackson...yeah that might be it. The boobs are nice and I will admit Jenna looked hotter than I remember (though the plastic surgery has done a number on what was once a very hot girl next door face), but I think this film comes up short because it fails to be as smart as it thought it was. I know what your thinking here...wait for it...this is a movie called Zombie Strippers, it has no intention of being smart...i'm aware of that, but it ventures into that territory by trying to make fun of itself. When you make fun of yourself the general rules of thumb are (A) you gotta be funny, (B) you gotta be confident and spare us awkwardness...just go for it, and (C) you gotta be smart enough to do it. This movie follows none of those pretty solid rules. It was tiring watching Robert Englund (Freddy) waddle through this flick with several awful, painful one-liners that not only didn't make sense, they weren't funny, no comic timing, no sense, and all too often no boobies behind him to distract my attention from um, Robert Englund's stupid lines. I will say the height of this film is when Jenna is fighting another Zombie stripper and she uses golf balls and pool balls as weapons, by inserting them into her va-jay-jay (of course what else) and firing them at the other zombie stripper lady. Also not to be too mean, but these strippers are hot chicks don't get me wrong, but they are not that hot, they are kind of skino-max 37 year old ladies with bad boob jobs who thought this would be awesome, we can make a flick and hide our cocaine induced eye wrinkles with some zombie makeup. Hard to point out a bright side in this one...other than boobs, and a stripper creating wind by spinning really fast on the stripper pole (yeah that happens), but keep an eye out for Joey Medina as Paco the janitor...he steals his scenes...wait that phrase is too good...he is the most watchable thing in this movie, not filled with silicone. Other than that stuff it was awesome...lol, if you have a friend that forced you to watch this like I did...do yourself a favor, take a rain check, or tell him to go spend time with his wife, or if that fails tell him you'd rather just go to a real strip club, where you will proceed to act really bad, step on a ketchup bottle, and then punch him in his face. How about this Griswald??? Please for the love of humanity don't do it...the boobs aren't worth it...and I don't say that often.
(The Shawshank Scale 1-10) Um..1.5 I'll be generous
Next up for Jenna and Robert Englund...um who gives a shit.
Food for thought here...1.5 pounds Beef (lean), two diced jalapeno peppers, four diced tomatoes, one diced onion, chili powder, and a log of Velveeta cheese...saute all together...toss in a bowl...make some dip...if your lucky the chips crunching noise will prevent you from hearing the dialogue in Zombie Strippers.
I'll start where I agree... the cheese dip was amazing. Not enough can be said about that. An extra hour or two on the stair climber is a small price to pay for that cheesy goodness.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of cheesy goodness...
Zombie Strippers was awesome! It was all I expected and more. The key there is to not expect too much. The title promises two things, and delivers both handsomely. There were jokes about philosophers but I was never fooled into thinking that they were ever trying to be smart. If you want smart zombie humor then I recommend Shawn of the Dead. That is a hilarious movie with that witty British humor that makes some clever commentary about the zombie genre and even society as a whole. Yadda yadda yadda... that's all well and good and Zombie Strippers is no Shawn, but it doesn't need to be. Yes it is a B movie but it was very entertaining in its own right. If you have a group of guys who are sitting around at midnight, finishing up playing Rock Band munching on Pizza Bites, alcohol and Cheese dip, and you then decide to watch a movie, Zombie Strippers fits the bill perfectly. The movie is at least as good as Army of Darkness. Bruce Campbell would be proud of Zombie Strippers. It had plenty of funny lines and scenes and kept me entertained the whole time. As you mentioned, the ping pong scene was amazing! It was so over the top stupid but it had everyone laughing out loud. I agree you need to turn your brain off to watch this movie, but once you've done that, then go ahead and enjoy it. What part of your brain were you using in the other Jenna Jameson movies you watched? I don't think I've ever made it past the first five minutes of any of her movies. (not because they were bad, quite the opposite really) Anyways, I give the movie my thumbs up approval. It's not the sleeper comedy hit of the season, but like the cheese dip, you know it's bad for you, you know you'll regret it in the morning, but you can't help enjoying it while it lasts.
Nicely done Phattmatt, I will strongly object though, no wait I strenuously object, that this was even close to Army Of Darkness (and my fav in the Evil Dead series) which is a Sam Mendes masterpiece, this does not come close. I think the part of brain that I use when I watch a Jenna flick is the one that makes me remember easy cleanup skills, but aside from that this was supposed to bad, campy, and entertaining because of those things...and it came up short...for me it didn't quite work as campy horror, or low-budget whatever, actually that crazy horror movie about the magician and with all the midgets was better executed, now put those boobs in Shawn of the dead...now you have a winner sir.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah...Sam Raimi...lol right on I misspoke, Mendes was American Beauty right? Raimi did For love of the Game(with my boy Costner), Spidermen flicks, and Darkman...all very good. My bad anyway he is doing another Evil Dead 2010. Sorry about that it's just things escalated so quickly...I think I killed someone with a trident...and where did you get that grenade?
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